Because

Because what was and what could have been are parallel realities.
Because the fallout from your mistakes have produced malignant outgrowths.
Because absolutes and gray areas are cocktails of alcoholic confusion.
Because in games of truth, the odds have been unfavorable.
Because we have built wastelands in each other’s souls.
Because fragmented negatives have no meaning to the whole.
Because histories are egoists and optimism is for masochists.

Waterworks

It doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.
--Iris, The Holiday

She could be reading my mind, as it trickles to a depot of suffering.

Last Song Syndrome

i don't know why . . .

Tulak ng Bibig
Julianne

Di ko na alam ang gagawin ko sa iyo
Paulit ulit lang nalilito oh ba't ganito
Paggising sa umaga ikaw ang nasa isip
Pagtulog sa gabi laman ng panaginip
Mahal ba kita oh ano?
Ewan ko

Di ko na alam ang gagawin ko sa iyo
Simula ng makilala
Hindi maipinta ngiti sa mata
Magdamag ang kwentuhan
Kulitan tawanan
Hindi ko maintindihan bakit ngayon lang
Kung kelan puso ko ay maselan

Hindi mo lang alam
Takot lang akong masaktan
Iniingatan lang aking puso
Kung maibibigay ko lang
Ang sinasabi mo
Hindi na sana tayo nagkakaganito
Pasensya ka na kung
Hanggang dito lang muna tayo

Di ko na alam ang gagawin ko sa iyo
Paikot-ikot lang nagugulo oh ba't ganto
Urong sulong yan ang paborito
Lilitaw lulubog tanong mo kahit sino
Pakisabi na lang
Ano ba talagang gusto mo?

Pakiusap lang
Wag mo nga akong tignan ng ganyan
Nakakatunaw ang iyong tingin
Hinay hinay ka lang
Mahina ang kalaban
Baka di na maiwasang
Mahulog ng tuluyan

Tulak ng bibig
Kabig ng dibdib

The Same Wavelength

AN: This article is written by nSeNsiTiV, posted on March 7, 2005 (http://www.peyups.com/article.khtml?sid=3948)

Ang Huling Araw

Kung tatanungin ako ng Diyos kung gaano kita minahal, ang isasagot ko, 10 beses na higit pa sa nararapat. Minahal kita hindi dahil pakiramdam ko lang tama, pero dahil ginusto ko yung naramdaman ko at walang kung ano pa man.

Minsan mo na akong tinanong kung pinagsisisihan kong nakilala kita. Sinabi ko hindi. Ngayon na nga siguro ang araw na kinatatakutan ko. Dahil kapag tinanong mo ulit sa akin yan, alam kong oo na ang isasagot ko. Sa lahat kasi ng nangyari sa buhay ko, ikaw lang ang gusto kong burahin. Wala ng iba.

Alam kong tama na tong ginagawa ko ngayon. Tama ng mawala ka sa buhay ko. Dahil alam kong wala ng pag-asa yang sinasabi mong pagkakaibigan natin. Tanga lang ako na minsan kong inisip na yun ang pinanghahawakan ko pero hindi pala. Dahil pinili mo pa rin akong saktan kahit alam mong dapat naging isa kang kaibigan.

Nung mga panahong ikaw at ikaw lang ang kailangan ko, hindi man lang kita mahanap. At kahit alam kong alam mo yon, pinili mong tiisin ako. Ngayon hindi na ko umaasang nandyan ka pa, dahil simula palang nang-iwan ka na.

Itinapon ko na rin ang lahat ng kasinungalingang sinabi mo na ang masakit ay pinaniwalaan ko. Nang sinabi mong importante ako sa yo at hindi mo kayang wala ako, kagaguhan lang yon. Siguro napilitan ka lang sabihin yon, o di kaya, sinadya mo para paasahin ako.Ngayon, lahat ng binitawan mong salita, wala ng halaga. Simple lang ang rason: dahil wala ka ring kwenta.

Wala na rin akong pakialam kung nagustuhan mo man ako o hindi. Ang importante, nagbigay ako ng buong buo at ni minsan ay hindi humingi ng kahit anong kapalit. Kahit papano, naturuan mo akong maging matatag. Natuto na rin akong tumigil sa paghahabol at pag-iyak sa taong manhid na tulad mo.

Siguro nga nasira mo na ang lahat sa akin. Ang paninindigan ko, tapang at paniniwala ko, pati ang katauhan ko, pero kaya kong ibangon ang sarili ko at mabuhay ng wala ka. Ako pa rin to. Oras at araw lang ang nagbago.

Ngayon na ang huling beses na sasabihin ko ito sa yo. Ngayon na ang huling pagkakataon na iisipin kita. Lahat ng bagay na dumaan, burado na. Pati buhay ko, bago na. Ngayon na ang huling oras na mamahalin kita. Ngayon na ang tamang oras para sa lahat, para malaman mo kung gaano mo ako sinaktan. Tapos na yon lahat ngayon. Ito na ang huling araw ng paghihirap...Tama na, tapos na. Pero sa huling araw na ito, isa lang ang sigurado ako.

Hindi ito ang huling araw na sinabi ko lahat to.

Belief

And so I seek answers, answers to questions I have a hard time raising--because I already know. You aren't worth the effort with which I hurl all my pain against God. And no matter how I agonize over it, I am sacrificing grace because of you. Against good reason, I am risking everything, because the depths and heights of my loneliness are nothing compared to the emptiness I am without you. It's a battle that I must constantly lose.

Baby Girl Penny

"You know what? The funny thing is, you and I are exactly alike. We make decisions with our hearts, and then let our heads handle the cleanup. I just wish your heart had picked me. "

Uncle Frank

"Even Hitler Had A Girlfriend"
(Mr. T Experience)
I still haven't found a girlfriend though I've tried a lot so can you help me please it's tougher than I thought. The odds are pretty good but the goods are pretty odd still at this point I'd take anything you've got. You see this all the time nice girls in love with jerks what could they be thinking tell me how it works. If I've got some problems well I wouldn't be the first but the ones I have in mind are even worse and even Hitler had a girlfriend who he could always call who'd always be there for him in spite of all his faults. He was the worst guy ever reviled and despised even Hitler had a girlfriend so why can't I? life is full of contradictions hard to understand and for every happy woman there's a lonely man. Nixon had his puppy Charles Manson had his clan but God forbid that I get a girlfriend. Even Hitler had a girlfriend who he could call his own to sweeten days of bitterness and feeling all alone. I'm not as bad as Hitler but it doesn't mean a thing since they'd rather be with Hitler more than me I don't see why they'd rather be with Hitler more than me.

wishing i am sad, gay, and brilliant
in a proustian multiverse
or in an emPLATHic dimension
i eat Kafka in a Kierkegaard dish
i wish i was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair.

Collusion

Ivy Walker: When we are married, will you dance with me? I find dancing very agreeable. Why can you not say what is in your head?
Lucius Hunt: Why can you not stop saying what is in yours? Why must you lead, when I want to lead? If I want to dance I will ask you to dance. If I want to speak I will open my mouth and speak. Everyone is forever plaguing me to speak further. Why? What good is it to tell you you are in my every thought from the time I wake? What good can come from my saying that I sometimes cannot think clearly or do my work properly? What gain can rise of my telling you the only time I feel fear as others do is when I think of you in harm? That is why I am on this porch, Ivy Walker. I fear for your safety before all others. And yes, I will dance with you on our wedding night.
--The Village (2004)

I need to know your thoughts,
because I inhabit a sphere of insecurity
where everything is magnified and brutally truthful.
I must hear you say the words,
if only to assure myself that this moment,
holds as much promise and beauty
as the next day.
I want us to dance
and then all the words you cannot say,
will reveal themselves by the rhythm of our steps.
And if indeed, there is a wedding night
you are free
as much as you wish
to not speak your mind.

Echo e.e. cummings

it may not always be so; and i say that if your lips, which i have loved, should touch another's, and your dear strong fingers clutch his heart, as mine in time not far away; if on another's face your sweet hair layin such silence as i know, or such great writhing words as, uttering overmuch, stand helplessly before the spirit at bay; if this should be, i say if this should be--you of my heart, send me a little word; that i may go unto him, and take his hands, saying, Accept all happiness from me. Then shall i turn my face and hear one bird sing terribly afar in the lost lands
--it may not always be so; and i say (from Tulips & Chimneys, 1923)

Accept all happiness from me
and i do wish it so
even as i dread
how it will hollow my soul

it may not always be so
but let the moment stand
for as long as i can give
do not mind
how i bleed

if this should be
let me discover
the substance of my grief
and my being
will have meaning
if this should be

Maybe Baby

Thank you
because before you
my world can be contained in an atom
because you shattered the cages limiting my imagination
because you took on my dreams and set it aloft
that i was able to touch the fringes of heaven...
because you saw beyond the plainness
because you wanted to discover my secrets
because you allowed me to play with the light
that i might cast colored shadows
upon broken streets and jagged rocks.

Fidelity

And suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall...

Regina Spektor, you can be my twin.

God and Chess

I agree with Einstein, God doesn't play dice. In fact, if I were to hazard a guess, chess is more His game, only He sees 50 billion or more moves ahead and if He wanted to can probably take you out in less than 3 minutes. Well, I don't play chess. I tried to learn once or twice but I ended up with a massive headache. But, and this is only for the purposes of this monologue, if I do play chess, I would like to think that He wants me to keep on playing. And yes, maybe some pawns will be sacrificed and yes, key pieces will be taken from me, but one thing's for sure, He doesn't want me to lose, which means I'll just have to keep on playing then...

Toiling in the Spirit of Sacrifice

My body is weakened and my mind is tired. But I must continue working in the spirit of sacrifice. I know not when my fears will eclipse my desires. But I must continue working in the spirit of sacrifice.

Issues

I have issues with issues...

Detox

Guess what? You crossed my mind less than the usual 15 times. Today it was just 7 or 8, I lost count somewhere along Germanium and creating crossword puzzles. Maybe someday you'll assume the form of sunshine, as constant as the routine of life. Good thing, I never cared too much for the sun. Give me snow, give me rain, give me autumn and its shower of leaves. Summers are best left in the past, joining obscure memories in their graves.

2 Days

My pain is nothing compared to the man who patiently counts the stars
Or the mother who just disciplined her child.
I cannot compare my woes to the man who walks the footsteps of the Master
Or the woman waiting for her lover.
My tears are nothing against the indifference of the universe
Against the elements that ravage the soul.
I cannot help but surrender.

Chocolat

The north wind is against me. He doesn't try entice me with wanderlust, the desire to start anew leaving everything behind. Maybe my destiny is to grow roots, to scatter seeds from the comfort of my garden, to seek joy from my environment. And yet, my soul is uneasy...

Clear Skies

It was a beautiful night. Clear and devoid of stars. For some reason, it seemed to me natural, that the moon if she so chooses could reign supreme in the skies. She might wish for the stars' companionship once in a while but alone, she's pure--beauty and light. If I were the moon, I would not retreat from the world or hide behind the curtain of clouds. My light would shine forth in bursts of joy and love.

And Then...

So what happens next? I guess, we move on to become better people. To be honest, I'm through with the whole martyr bit. For the longest time, I keep telling myself that things will be okay. They finally are. Well maybe not to an ideal state, but enough to keep me looking forward to tomorrow. It's great just knowing that we can continue to exist without depending on each other. This is me. This is who I am now. Miracle of miracles, I actually like myself even without you.

Raptus Regaliter Resolutions

I'm a promiser. I don't even know if that's a word. I'm just thinking it's better than being called a liar or a quitter, or any of those words that make me go, "Ugh, I hate myself!" Not this year. I have so much hope for 2007. Every year, I resolve to do a lot of things--monumental in their capacity to inspire but difficult to put into action. No more. This year, this year will be different. I will be different. I can feel it in the air, I can feel it in my very bones, I can sense it with every cliche I can think of. 2007 will be my year.