Bullshit Fiesta

Its Bullshit by ~chworz on deviantART

because nothing says BS like:

1. A well-placed Latin phrase

Wanna show people you're about as pretentious as Gwyneth's British accent? Then, generously pepper your conversations with "ergo," "quod erat demonstrandum," and "mea culpa." Don't forget to throw in some really obscure ones like "indivisibiliter ac inseparabiliter," "radix malorum est cupiditas," and "abundans cautela non nocet."
Your friends (if you have any at all) will look for your replacement very soon.

2. Quoting bogus statistics

The brilliant folks over at Cracked.com have featured a very informative article about this. Check it out for yourself: http://www.cracked.com/article_16241_6-most-frequently-quoted-bullsht-statistics.html?redux

3. Saying "I love you" on the third date

Really, I should just let my good friend Lyndon explain this one. I cannot in good conscience, deliver such lengthy and tortured explanation with a straight face.

4. Capitulating to the demands of your clients

At some point, you'll either need to grow a pair and do something OR just accept that you're doomed to be trapped in the deepest bowels of bullshitropolis. It's your choice. Personally, I pick the latter option. Bullshitropolis is quite lovely this time of the year.

5. A bullshit generator

Truly, a testament to the amazing power of the Internets (Yes, I said Internets, look up your Bushism people...) Anyway, I've tested some of the BS generators out there, and this: http://emptybottle.org/bullshit/ IMHO is the best.

By the way, using chat speak doth not bullshit make. It just makes you look like an illiterate douchebag. So for future reference, go easy on the LOLs and the BRBs. I promise, it's for your own good.

Three Years Ago

Eerily true...minus the high school set-up

The Romantic-Cynic Dichotomy

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It's not: "You complete me." But: "My life would suck less if you are in it."

It's not: "I love you more than sunlight; more than flesh, or joy, or one more day. I love you more than God." But: "I need you because you are my last chance for happiness."

It's not: "Make my happiness, I will make yours." But: "A deal's a deal."

Same Difference

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Would you rather be with someone who makes your heart race
so fast that you're actually scared it's going to run away from you?

OR

someone who makes your world stand still
that you have to will your heart to beat
lest your blood stops flowing?

It's all the same to me...

Prayer of St. Gertrude the Great

"Eternal Father, I offer Thee the Most Precious Blood of Thy Divine Son, Jesus, in union with the masses said throughout the world today, for all the holy souls in Purgatory, for sinners everywhere, for sinners in the universal church, those in my own home and within my family. Amen."

*Our Lord dictated the following prayer to St. Gertrude the Great to release 1,000 Souls from Purgatory each time it is said.

Flipping the Bird

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There are just some people you wish would get on the express train to hell--people who turn your stomach with their incessant need to talk about themselves; people, whose sole purpose in life is to be a professional annoyance. God, I hope those people would just make like a fetus and head out. (That's absquatulate to you, posers.) I am quite sure the day would come when Mammon would feed on their souls and throw the carcasses to hyenas.

Hmmm, I love the smell of snarkiness in the evening.

Average Jane

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"Oh no! She's got self-esteem issues," you might say.

To which, I would reply:

Honestly, I don't mind being an average Jane. (I do take offense when someone calls me a plain Jane, but that's another story.) See, I don't need to be pretty. I believe I have so much more to offer that it would really be just greediness on my part if I get an A+ in the looks department too. Not that I don't care enough about my appearance. I do...to the point that I even have pet names for each visible pore on my forehead. I'm just saying that I acknowledge that on a daily basis, I'm like a 6 or a 6.5. And when I'm feeling extra plucky, I force people to admit that I'm at least a shaky 7 on the attractiveness scale. I have no problems with that at all. Of course, I can aspire to be an 8, even a 9, but let's be honest, that would require some serious cash-burning, which my cheap ass can ill afford. So let’s not go there.

On the other hand, I’m one average Jane with some sick talent and skills in writing. And I tend to go ape-shit when people start criticizing the things I’m really good at. Well, I have learned to control my acerbic tongue from lashing out at idiots who can’t tell good from bad, baaaaad, bizzzzaaadd writing. Seriously, if you can’t even string decent sentences together, you have no friggin’ right to “comment” on someone else’s work, especially if (1) you don’t write for a living (like I do); (2) the rules of basic subject-verb agreement escapes you (unlike me); and (3) you are an idiot. By this time, my point should have hit you like a ton of bricks (weak simile, but what the heck...) I’m saying that yes, I’m an average Jane. And yes, apart from being witty, funny as fuck, and being jolly good fun (even when I’m drunk as a skunk), I am THE average Jane that stands apart from the unholy alliance of all the average Janes in this world.

Well, I guess that makes me highly un-average, after all.

But at least I’m not an idiot…

What It is About

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It's about saving me from myself. It's about calling me on my shit and telling me my brattiness just doesn't cut it. It's about questioning my so-called brilliance, because --trust me--I do need it. It's about the total acceptance of my disgusting habits. It's about the complete understanding that all these flaws make me all the more perfect.

Pensive

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For all the atrocities I have inflicted on humanity, I pride myself in knowing that I have never (knowingly) disrespected the bond between a man and his significant other.

But there's a first time for everything, I must say. And now I'm seriously thinking about committing that sin.

The next time you see me, I may be a card-carrying home-wrecker. I will not be surprised if people point at me and say, "You ma'am, are nothing but a heartless harlot."

It's terrible. (Of course, it is.) But I'm afraid, I'm in too deep.

Love in Technicolor

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There is enough magic in the air
that I can almost taste the colors exploding in my mouth.

There is enough magic in the air
that sparks are shooting off my fingertips.

There is enough magic in the air
that I can almost see the twinkle in God's eyes.

Still on the Jo Koy Train

Why is his mom so friggin' awesome?



Get him a cookie!!!



I'm a bitch, man.

Laughing is Good for the Soul

Jo Koy = funny as fuck; i love his mom--his very Filipino mom.



KT Tatara = myth; just because it's against the law of nature to be that cute and that funny...(smart as fuck, too!)



Eric Hutchinson = not a stand-up comic, definitely talented (can't stop listening to his songs: All Over Now, Oh, Food Chain, and so on...; JT got PWND!



ENJOY.

Arrow Prayers

Dear God, help me make it through this day. I'm not feeling well and there's still a mountain of tasks to finish.

Dear God, please watch over my loved ones. Keep them safe and let them always feel your presence in their lives.

Dear God, grant me the patience to deal with my problems...if not patience then the strength to be silent. Grant me peace as well, to successfully enclose myself in that silence.

Dear God, bridge the gaps in my understanding, for today more than any other day I am feeling what it means to be human.

Dear God, just be with me in this moment.

Pix Credit: http://unsoundtransient.deviantart.com/art/prayer-58067877

Myths

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Deep down, I have always known that knights in shining armor and charming princes astride white horses can't possibly exist, at least not in this--my dimension. And in the interest of being pragmatic, I have always betted on the guy who tells me he'll get his shit together and come through for me, for us. And I have never questioned this as anything other than the law of nature, self-evident and intrinsically worthwhile.

But now, I am forced to rethink every single thing I have held to be true. And all of it debunks the myths I have culled from years of playing by the rules of the Human Interaction Stock Exchange.

Needless to say, I am utterly lost, totally, without a doubt lost. And it's too late to send out a distress call. The world, as far as I'm concerned, has shut itself off. I have yet to discover hope, to learn the nuances of faith, to understand the magic, if not the futility of miracles.

Reincarnated

How you said, "Next time, I promise to love you first."
And how you told me, "I will look for you and you cannot hide from me."
Or how you stared into my eyes as if to say, "Not even lifetimes can keep us apart."

I believed it all.

How I waited. And waited some more.
Because here I was, and there you were.
So close and yet worlds apart.

Cognitive Dissonance

I think that it's unfair to burden me with your expectations. I'm not nor would I ever be the perfect girl. My flaws--they number by the thousands and multiply by the second, which in time would exponentially saw off the edges of our souls.

The package, you see, is deceiving. The littlest eyes that hide behind the glasses, they process people, pets, plants, streets, and groceries by a five-minute filtering system, devoid of political correctness or any belief system.

And the challenge for you, is not to reconcile what you uphold to be real with what is. The challenge is to stay, just stay until you have mapped out the paradoxes, the inner cathedral of my being.

The challenge is to stop leaving. Stop leaving and stay with me...

Love Will Keep Us Together

"Have you been gargling with bong water?"

"Love to! Love the bag, love the shoes, love everything. Love to!" (Okay, this one is actually from My Best Friend's Wedding, but what the heck, I love this clip.)

Quoterized

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quote. –verb (used with object)
to repeat (a passage, phrase, etc.) from a book, speech, or the like, as by way of authority, illustration, etc. (quote. Dictionary.com. Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/quote (accessed: June 01, 2008).)

cauterize. –verb (used with object), -ized, -iz·ing.
to burn with a hot iron, electric current, fire, or a caustic, esp. for curative purposes; treat with a cautery. (cauterize. Dictionary.com. Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/cauterize (accessed: June 01, 2008).)

1. There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, "Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman."--Zoolander

2. I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup. I love maple syrup! I love maple syrup on pancakes, I love it on pizza! I love to take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up slick?--Wedding Crashers

3. Dude, I service society by rocking. I’m out there on the front lines liberating people with my music. Rocking ain’t no walk in the park, lady.--School of Rock

4. "Heart... miles and miles of heart."--The Replacements

5. Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.--Princess Bride

(quoterized v.2. to follow)

AN: Pix totally unrelated to the post...

Synthesis

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You are not much different from the others. Of course, you claim to be special, the antithesis of every man, who has come before you. But let me tell you this...your being different, your being special, I have no use for these things. True, I may not know if it will be sooner or later. But I am quite sure that in the end, you will say the same thing, "I am just a man." And you will leave. And you will wish that you did not say how different you are. And you will be sorry for the efforts you have invested to make me believe in you. And I will cry, yet again. Because maybe, just maybe, I am still like every woman--trying uncertain things at the cost of everything.

Reposted: The Love Letter That Couldn't Write Itself

Words have never failed me. In fact, my biggest consolation in life is that I can always articulate what I know, how I feel and who I am at any point, any way, any junction of life as it unfolds before me. I have never had a problem with searching for the right words, they find me instead, sometimes none too subtly.

My guess is that my writing muse abandoned me, not when I met you, but because I let you take over her space in my head. I imagine her pain as i let the auteur in me slowly atrophy, to a point beyond recognition. You overwhelmed me with emotions and caused me to exist outside myself, the self that delights in weaving yarns and expressing the soul. You were context and subtext, every theme and reason. I was consumed in all the wrong places, robbed of sanity and speech. And only in the cruelest hand of fate, will retaliation be exacted upon me. I cannot be regretful enough for my muse to forgive me. And she has served me with enough ironic sense to let me write you a letter that chokes upon writing itself...I cannot help but try.

And so, a thousand considerations blur the peripheries of my lucidity. I begin to feel physically ill as I struggle through emotions I couldn't identify. The onerous task of projecting thoughts to paper is one that I never feared before. I wanted to dispense with the cliches, the sentimentality, the sheer banality of it all. But there's a greater need for me to have you realize, to have you experience--even for a moment, the chaos in me. For how could you know that you are the axis of my world...That my need to exist is eclipsed by my need for you. Didn't you know that my happiness hinges upon your understanding? If this letter fails, the dam that holds my pain in will break and my soul will shatter.