Thursday, November 22, 2007

Unnecessary Disquiet of the Soul

Because I feel like I have just given a kid a box of crayons. And he/she has chosen the gray one to color the clouds, the trees, flowers, and the sea.

People should stop telling me to relax, unless they are willing to stir the pot.

I agree . . . apathy does become me. And so does cynicism, but I'll deny it till I get blue in the face.

I am fascinated by things that appear ambiguous and very specific at the same time.

You may have read me wrong.

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Monday, November 19, 2007

Letters to the Dead


I hope you're in a great place now. I know you struggled long and hard. When it's my time to go, I just pray you'll have time to give me a ride in your big, fancy sidecar and we'll take trips around the block...for old times' sake. You have been an important part of my cherished childhood, and I'll never forget the many kindnesses you have shown me and my family. When I do remember to pray, know that I'll be thinking of you. I hope you're at peace. You will be missed.


I still can't believe you're gone. I know I haven't been a good friend to you. But I hope you know now that I have always admired you, envied you, actually. I just want to say I'm sorry, if ever I have done something to hurt or humiliate you. It was just my way of establishing myself--that even though I'm not (nor could I ever be) as pretty and as kind as you were, I was still worthy of attention. I hope you're in a much better place. I hope you're gracing everyone there with your beautiful presence and your beautiful heart. I know you'll remember me--if not with fondness--then with kindness. Thank you for being once a part of my life.


When I first learned about what happened to you, I was shaken to my very core. In my lifetime, I had known lots of nice guys. But you were by far (with the exception of my brother, of course) the nicest of them all. Despite the considerable age difference, you never treated me with condescension. You always had a smile ready for me. And that made me feel very special, which wasn't very easy for me at that time. I was a very awkward teenager, full of angst and self-loathing. I guess I just wanted to say thanks. I don't quite understand it, but I do think of you a lot especially when I'm feeling lonely and hopeless. Thank you for watching over me and I hope wherever you are right now, you're happy and at peace. Thanks again.

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Thursday, November 15, 2007

Residual Anger

Two, three years ago, you asked me to forgive you. And I actually said, "forgiveness is on the horizon." Now that I had time to REALLY think about it, I realized that I wanted to take it all back. I should have said, "Forgiving you would never have improved the quality of my life." I should have been more honest, more forthcoming. I should have insisted on the pound of flesh that was due me.

I fear, there'd be devil to all this rage starts to un-repress itself.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Important Announcement

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A Different Interpretation

Music Codes by

Almost Honest
By Josh Kelley

So in the meantime
You'll be resting on my mind
For the last time
I will leave myself behind
In the evening
Raise a glass and tell some lies
Make a pass, impress another girl,
She was easy on the eyes

She was easy
And so was I

My reflection
In the window when I ride for Chicago
She is on the other side
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

Well I was almost honest
I was almost honest

Been a long time
Since I've laid with you in bed
Conversations, full of words you never said
I got your message
But I didn't hear the ringing bell
I gave into the loneliness
But I didn't give them nothing else

Which direction
Down this highway that I ride to Atlanta
She is on the other side
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

I was almost honest
Well, I was almost honest

Yeah, Oh oh oh Hmmmmm

My reflection
In the window when I ride
Could not save us
But I swear to God I tried

Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

I was almost honest
But I was almost honest
Cause I was almost honest

Most people tell me this song is about cheating. I don't know, but something tells me this song is not so much about cheating but lying to oneself. I believe this is about a person who cannot let go of his attachments, so much so that he goes on this journey in an attempt to forget. What makes the sentiment of the song so laudible is the fact that it upholds a singular, simplistic truth--things fall apart, people are required to move on, but sometimes that just isn't possible.

Monday, November 12, 2007


Current Mood:
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While it's a great thing that I happen to dream in technicolor, it's also to my detriment that said dreams are anything but normal. It vexes me to no end that I, the paragon of control (in my opinion), has such an unruly subconscious. Case in point, last night's dream, which has uncomfortably showcased Fugs (with girlfriend) mistreatment of yours truly.

Of course, even in my dreams (yes, plural for this is actually the second time something like this happened), I can be ruthlessly vindictive. The first time, I have mentally crippled Fugs--wheelchair and all. The second time, my alter ego has made crude remarks about Fugs' age, which I'm glad for, since I never got the chance to ridicule him in public (the way I originally intended). Needless to say, the mere fact that I still dream about this man really says something about the abysmal state of my mental health. (1) He's still renting space in my head, and (2) I may have inadvertently crossed the thinnest of lines from hate to love and back again. The only conclusion I can gather from this prattle, is that I need to have my head examined real soon...of that I have no doubts whatsoever.

Thursday, November 8, 2007


I have always wondered if there'll ever be reason and opportunity for me to utter the words, "You're dead to me." Similarly, I wonder if I have missed out on my only chance to say, "You cut me deeper than any blade possibly could." Of course, that's just me stealing lines from Takezo Kensei. Still, I feel genuinely at a loss. Bereft, even. My sense of wonderment is clouded by an instict, which tells me that things in my world have suddenly fallen out of place.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

The Speech

I think I'm the only idiot who can relate to this:

CHK: I thought about it over and over again yesterday...It was that you and my dad couldn't trust me.
CHK: I loved you so much.
(dramatic pause again)
CHK: But you couldn't trust me, so...
(wait for it, here comes the best part)
CHK: It's not that I couldn't trust you. I couldn't trust myself. When I told you that I loved you, I had to ignore what my friends and my family would think. To come up with that decision and act upon it...It was really hard for me.
CHK: Go Eun Chan, you know...I need someone who trusts me.
(waterworks galore)
CHK: Even if the rest of the world says I'm worthless, I need someone who says,
"Choi Han Kyul hasn't had a chance, Choi Han Kyul does what he says he's going to do, what he wants to do in life, but he can do it if he puts his heart to it."
CHK: I need someone who trusts me like that. Not someone like you, who deceives even in love, calculating whether or not they'll be found out.