Blah-bber

It's weird how a simple "Kamusta?" can have me literally stumped. Of course, I can always reply with a generic, "Ayos lang," or maybe just nod my head, smile, wave like a lunatic--proofs that my imagination is rapidly declining. Sometimes I wonder if I can get away with, "Oh, I feel 3,000 shades of crappy today, but thanks so much for asking." But I guess we are trained to say the polite thing. You know, the one that would not put the asker in the least comfortable position. Personally, I think that's stupid. We should all promote an atmosphere of brutal honesty without fear of repercussions. So if a cute guy walks up to me and goes, "How ya doin?" I should be able to say what I really feel, which is: "I'm good. I so wanna jump you right now. Could you meet me later tonight?, without the world labeling me as a hoe, a slut, and all things malandi this side of the metropolis. I say forget civility. If I'm suddenly faced with an ex-flame and he asks how life is treating me, I should just say, "I'm wonderful considering you left me for a girl who's dumber than a box of rocks and looks like a prostitute." Tell me I'm not insane.

Horoscope Horribilis

Who would've thought my aha moment lurks in the paragraphs of a horoscope column? Now my belief in astrology can be best described as fungible. However, yesterday's reading holds so much truth, it crosses the borders of the paranormal. Of course, I also have this tendency to exaggerate things and maybe I'm reading too much into it. I don't know. What I do know, is that it freaked me out, so much so that I have to write about it here...

VIRGO: You're presented with a choice. You can either feel right, or you can feel happy. There is something to learn either way. Observe the interesting difference between those two alternatives.

The question now is this. Why do those options have to be mutually exclusive? Can't I be happy without feeling wrong about it? And the alternative is just as worse. Why can't I feel right without feeling crappy at the same time? Understand that this is all relatable to my turbulent history with a certain someone. It just never ends. To be honest, I'm inclined to choose happy over right. But the kicker is that whenever I choose happy, I end up obsessing about the 'rightness' of my choice, which of course robs me of the little happiness I can squeeze from it. It's Catch 22. Woe is me.

Daisuki

Natatakot ako
Dahil binabalik mo ang kumpiyansa ko sa aking sarili.
Kinakabahan ako
Dahil malapit na akong maniwalang makatarungan
ang batas ng Diyos.
Pinipigilan kong umasa
kahit sa pahiwatig ng iyong mga pangako.
Dahil makailang beses akong nabigo
At ayokong magkamali
Sa pagkilatis ng iyong pagkatao.

to be continued...

Subjects

Do not blame me
if you have memorized me
without distilling my essence.

Understand
you cannot plot me like a point.
I do not graph
well enough for my x's to meet your y's.

Stop
with the summary of my being.
I will not suffer the indignity of arrows
and bullet points.

But I promise
that if you learn me
from the senses of your heart
if you explore me with your conscience
and if you hold my lessons as your truth
excellence will witness our joy
in the cusps of paradise
we have stolen from God's hands.

On a Good Day

Hanggang ngayon, naiiyak pa rin ako sa Wu Yen, kahit na alam kong comedy siya, complete with crossdressing and mo lei tau. Merong scene si Sammi Cheng at Cecilia Cheung, kung saan ini-explain ni Sammi (as Wu Yen) kay Cecilia (as fairy enchantress) na "Love is destruction and sabotage, motivated by self interest and greed so that it leads to hatred, revenge, and war." Totoo 'yon, at least sa aking experience. "In the end, it's over before it even began."

Memorable rin yung divorce scene ni Anita (as the Emperor) and Sammi. Ini-explain ang tatlong klase ng paghihiwalay: (1) hate-you-so, kung saan malaki ang chances for reconciliation; (2) it's over, pwede pang maayos kung gugustuhin ng lalaki at babae; at (3) wala ng bawian, self-explanatory. Actually, mahilig ako sa mga "i'm-a-stupid-jerk-but-i've-cleaned-up-my-act" movies siguro dahil sobra akong sentimental o dahil bobo akong umintindi ng expiration date ng mga bagay-bagay.

Ewan. Siguro isa lang akong malaking escapist. *sigh*

Reposted: I am Wishing for the Cloths of Heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths, Enwrought with golden and silver light, The blue and the dim and the dark cloths Of night and light and the half light, I would spread the cloths under your feet: But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
-W.B. Yeats-

I know of beauty not because I have brushes with it. I find beauty implicit in the evil that surrounds me. The universe is governed by the law of action having an equal and opposite reaction. Immersion to things vile and dark and ugly, gives me hope. I am subject, like all beings, to appreciate the fact that there is duality present in everything. Light versus dark, evil versus good, confusion versus clarity. For the tragically flawed to be in the same vicinity with ultimate beauty, might be an exercise in cruelty. Nevertheless, I do believe that we all need something to aspire to. For what are we, without our dreams? Life is difficult enough as it is. The positivist continues to exist in a bubble of hope, cushioning him from a reality far removed from its own being. Need I envelop myself in the same haze? Yes, for I have seen too much, I have known pain for what it is and pain for what it can continue to be. Do not curse me when I ask for rain, when I ask for miracles. You do not know pain by its first name like I do, every second of everyday. And what do you know of pain? The giver of pain doesn't acquaint himself with its recipient, nor does he care about the soul being ravaged by the passage of time. He sits comfortably, contemplating his own greatness against the happiness he takes, as he sees the world owing it to him. My need to be with people who understands pain will remain a mystery to you, for you steeled yourself against any form of vulnerability, which will cost your happiness someday. That very same day, I will be standing on the precipice of something wonderful, awaiting for my own piece of heaven. I thank God we are the polarities of the same being, because while you continue to stagnate being you, I will approach greatness by learning to be me. Wherefore the grace of my God, goeth I.

I Aimed for Sin and Got Tragedy

There are moments that should never be chronicled because you are tired or disillusioned or lonely for the night. If you have to keep yourself sedated or unconscious or dead, then do so. Remember that bits of stolen pleasure are always eclipsed by guilt and regret. Remember too, that the soul can only bear so much pain. Denying the self may not always mean definite rewards, but realize that life is never about fairness as it is about lessons. Take time to be silent. And in your silence, learn some humility. If you fear your existence lacks validation, self-promotion will not help your cause. Trust that there will always be people for whom your greatness and brilliance will never be questioned. Improve yourself but never at the expense of others. Learn to sacrifice but be subtle about it. Moments of charity and grace are rarely viewed without suspicion. Seek advice, not to justify your reasons, but to expand the borders of your understanding. Dance. Just because you can and just because you need an outlet for your inhibitions. Fail, or more to the point, accept failure. Aiming for perfection is setting yourself up for disappointment. BUT do not forget to take pride in trying. Trying can hurt, but one day you will look back and congratulate yourself for the risks you have taken.