Mel Almighty

equals bad idea. For one thing, I don't have the patience thing down pat. If I am the supreme being, I'll probably flood earth every two weeks. I'll obliterate every being who questions my existence and I'll definitely not be able to control playing the favoritism game. (Trans. Tom Cruise will be cast immediately to the first, sixth, or seventh circle of hell--I'm still deciding this detail--whereas John Krasinski will own everything in the free world, achieving a demi-god status.)

I guess I'm extremely grateful God is God. And while I wish He'll shower me with extra doses of His particular brand of goodness, I have a feeling everything is perfect as it is. I pray then that God grant me the clarity, no, the humility to see...just see.

http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/7/75/Lightning-with-streamers.jpg

26

I do like that being 26 makes it somewhat illegal to still act juvenile. Of course, I am expected to act my age, be mature and commit to wearing long pants. It entails certain responsibilities like having a job, a life plan, a wonderful legacy to leave behind. I, being me, choose to eschew all that and go with an entirely different philosophy for living. Not only does this make me a highly unconventional individual, it makes me a cautionary example to dewy-eyed kids who still believe in the promise of white picket fences and the suburban lifestyle. Because here's the actual, uncomplicated version of the facts of life: dreams have a way of shattering, people have uncanny capabilities to disappoint, and fate . . . well it definitely has methods to make life interesting (if interesting is another way of saying challenging/unbearable/bloody hell).

Despite all that, I still think life is good as it is. That will be enough to get me through this day, if only people care enough to believe me.

Deciding On A Theme Song

At first I was thinking Boston by Augustana, then Undiscovered by James Morrisson. I almost went with Catalyst or Wreck of the Day by Anna Nalick. However, at the moment, this seems to be the perfect fit.

Enjoy!

Unnecessary Disquiet of the Soul

Because I feel like I have just given a kid a box of crayons. And he/she has chosen the gray one to color the clouds, the trees, flowers, and the sea.

People should stop telling me to relax, unless they are willing to stir the pot.

I agree . . . apathy does become me. And so does cynicism, but I'll deny it till I get blue in the face.

I am fascinated by things that appear ambiguous and very specific at the same time.

You may have read me wrong.

Pix Credit: http://kronicdreamer.deviantart.com/art/DISTURBED-28418399

Letters to the Dead

Classmate,

I hope you're in a great place now. I know you struggled long and hard. When it's my time to go, I just pray you'll have time to give me a ride in your big, fancy sidecar and we'll take trips around the block...for old times' sake. You have been an important part of my cherished childhood, and I'll never forget the many kindnesses you have shown me and my family. When I do remember to pray, know that I'll be thinking of you. I hope you're at peace. You will be missed.

Ann,

I still can't believe you're gone. I know I haven't been a good friend to you. But I hope you know now that I have always admired you, envied you, actually. I just want to say I'm sorry, if ever I have done something to hurt or humiliate you. It was just my way of establishing myself--that even though I'm not (nor could I ever be) as pretty and as kind as you were, I was still worthy of attention. I hope you're in a much better place. I hope you're gracing everyone there with your beautiful presence and your beautiful heart. I know you'll remember me--if not with fondness--then with kindness. Thank you for being once a part of my life.

Edwin,

When I first learned about what happened to you, I was shaken to my very core. In my lifetime, I had known lots of nice guys. But you were by far (with the exception of my brother, of course) the nicest of them all. Despite the considerable age difference, you never treated me with condescension. You always had a smile ready for me. And that made me feel very special, which wasn't very easy for me at that time. I was a very awkward teenager, full of angst and self-loathing. I guess I just wanted to say thanks. I don't quite understand it, but I do think of you a lot especially when I'm feeling lonely and hopeless. Thank you for watching over me and I hope wherever you are right now, you're happy and at peace. Thanks again.

Photo credit: http://hazzard7.deviantart.com/art/Grave-53155673

Residual Anger

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Two, three years ago, you asked me to forgive you. And I actually said, "forgiveness is on the horizon." Now that I had time to REALLY think about it, I realized that I wanted to take it all back. I should have said, "Forgiving you would never have improved the quality of my life." I should have been more honest, more forthcoming. I should have insisted on the pound of flesh that was due me.

I fear, there'd be devil to pay...as all this rage starts to un-repress itself.

Important Announcement

A Different Interpretation

Josh Kelley Music Codes

Music Codes by SongArea.com

Almost Honest
By Josh Kelley

So in the meantime
You'll be resting on my mind
For the last time
I will leave myself behind
In the evening
Raise a glass and tell some lies
Make a pass, impress another girl,
She was easy on the eyes

She was easy
And so was I

My reflection
In the window when I ride for Chicago
She is on the other side
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

Well I was almost honest
I was almost honest

Been a long time
Since I've laid with you in bed
Conversations, full of words you never said
I got your message
But I didn't hear the ringing bell
I gave into the loneliness
But I didn't give them nothing else

Which direction
Down this highway that I ride to Atlanta
She is on the other side
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

I was almost honest
Well, I was almost honest

Yeah, Oh oh oh Hmmmmm

My reflection
In the window when I ride
Could not save us
But I swear to God I tried


Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

I was almost honest
But I was almost honest
Cause I was almost honest

Most people tell me this song is about cheating. I don't know, but something tells me this song is not so much about cheating but lying to oneself. I believe this is about a person who cannot let go of his attachments, so much so that he goes on this journey in an attempt to forget. What makes the sentiment of the song so laudible is the fact that it upholds a singular, simplistic truth--things fall apart, people are required to move on, but sometimes that just isn't possible.

Freudian

Current Mood:


While it's a great thing that I happen to dream in technicolor, it's also to my detriment that said dreams are anything but normal. It vexes me to no end that I, the paragon of control (in my opinion), has such an unruly subconscious. Case in point, last night's dream, which has uncomfortably showcased Fugs (with girlfriend) mistreatment of yours truly.

Of course, even in my dreams (yes, plural for this is actually the second time something like this happened), I can be ruthlessly vindictive. The first time, I have mentally crippled Fugs--wheelchair and all. The second time, my alter ego has made crude remarks about Fugs' age, which I'm glad for, since I never got the chance to ridicule him in public (the way I originally intended). Needless to say, the mere fact that I still dream about this man really says something about the abysmal state of my mental health. (1) He's still renting space in my head, and (2) I may have inadvertently crossed the thinnest of lines from hate to love and back again. The only conclusion I can gather from this prattle, is that I need to have my head examined real soon...of that I have no doubts whatsoever.

Unspoken

I have always wondered if there'll ever be reason and opportunity for me to utter the words, "You're dead to me." Similarly, I wonder if I have missed out on my only chance to say, "You cut me deeper than any blade possibly could." Of course, that's just me stealing lines from Takezo Kensei. Still, I feel genuinely at a loss. Bereft, even. My sense of wonderment is clouded by an instict, which tells me that things in my world have suddenly fallen out of place.

The Speech

I think I'm the only idiot who can relate to this:

CHK: I thought about it over and over again yesterday...It was that you and my dad couldn't trust me.
(pause)
CHK: I loved you so much.
(dramatic pause again)
CHK: But you couldn't trust me, so...
(wait for it, here comes the best part)
CHK: It's not that I couldn't trust you. I couldn't trust myself. When I told you that I loved you, I had to ignore what my friends and my family would think. To come up with that decision and act upon it...It was really hard for me.
CHK: Go Eun Chan, you know...I need someone who trusts me.
(waterworks galore)
CHK: Even if the rest of the world says I'm worthless, I need someone who says,
"Choi Han Kyul hasn't had a chance, Choi Han Kyul does what he says he's going to do, what he wants to do in life, but he can do it if he puts his heart to it."
CHK: I need someone who trusts me like that. Not someone like you, who deceives even in love, calculating whether or not they'll be found out.

Stolen

from my other blog...



Believe me, I am the purest projection of what you perceive weirdness to be. I am the benchmark by which all deviance is measured. I am, at same time, the essence and antithesis of a box, from which everything and everyone seeks to get out of.

N.B. Sorry Dave, I wanted to crop you out, but I don't have photoshop...

A Matter of Sanity

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Allow me a few moments to lament the inevitable demise of my soul
as I ponder the futility of this mindless routine,
the day-to-day preponderance of things I reluctantly credit to fate.

Still True

Watch Video:

Fidelity (Regina Spektor)

Video Code provided by MusicRemedy.Com

Makes me happy, just saying . . .

Grateful

For everybody who prayed, I just want to say thanks and God bless all of you. My mom is doing better. Please continue to pray for full recovery. Again, my deepest appreciation and gratitude to you all.

Putting Speculations to Rest

1. Yes, I am the bastard daughter of Bruce Lee and Mother Lily Monteverde.
2. Yes, I have written a dissertation on "How to Know When You're Clusterfucked!" No, I did not include an instructive pamphlet on how to successfully kill yourself.
3. Yes, I can still get guys half my age. Do the math, I'm 26 years old.
4. Yes, I have an insane fear of all guys named Christian.
5. Yes, I am the master of useless trivia and random randomosities.
6. Yes, I can survive on popcorn and 5 liters of red bull if the situation ever comes up.
7. Yes, I abuse the word schadenfreude.
8. Yes, I am destined for the seventh terrace of purgatory.
9. Yes, I believe Oprah is the Queen of the Multiverse.
10. Yes, I am, therefore I think.

Reposted: Knowing Best

I have no right to complain. I have attended enough masses, have learned all I can from nuns, and have practiced Catholicism just for that nugget of wisdom. Although, at this very moment, I am itching, no, dying to give God a piece of my mind. And yes, I am afraid of repercussions. But it seems to me God, being the supreme creature of infinite benevolence, will not smite me for speaking my mind. So I shall, in the manner of Job, and other beings more righteous than I am, get on with my grievances . . .

By my accounting, I am not a bad person. But it seems to me lately, You are having too much fun on my expense. And I do ask You to at least give me an explanation, some hint that You don't hate my guts. The loneliness I feel--if You have any idea that it is eating me alive--You'd have long ago parted the curtains of your celestial abode to give me crumbs from Your table.

And true, I am not the best there is. As far as I know, my talents are mediocre. Do You know that absenting Yourself from my life is not a test, but a cruel punishment? Do You know that I have exhausted all coping mechanisms available just to justify my faith in You?

Do not let me analyze the things that I am, and the things I could have been, for gratitude and regret cannot be separated by mere whim of will.

Disclaimer: I don't own the pix. http://www.progressdaily.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/03/god.jpg

Bad Day

No shit, Sherlock!

Asking Nothing in Return

It may just be
that the rage I feel
is directed at the wrong places

That I do lash against the world
And never against people

That I complain incessantly to the heavens
and demand answers from God

It has dawned on me
I am the feelings I feel

Pix credit: http://pipid.deviantart.com/art/No-19-Introducing-God-56732165

Yo-yo Mel

The world may adore Brangelina, but in my heart, Jennifer Aniston will always be the better woman. And in my honest opinion, losing Brad Pitt is probably the best thing that ever happened to her. She's amazing and I love her. And yes, that creeps me out too, a little bit. But I don't give a flying eff. I think she's exactly the type of person I want to be--strong, independent, laid-back, with a great sense of style, and most importantly, thin. I just love her gams. If you see my thunder thighs, you'll understand my obsession with her legs. And yes, her tanned and toned body is just to-die-for. Now, I don't know how desirable she is, if I was a guy. But, I do know that as a girl, I'd kill to have a body like hers. Oh my God, grant me a body like Jen Aniston. Puhleeze. Pretty Please!

Me in This Dimension

hurts too bad,
hurts too good,
hurts too soon,
hurts real good...

Uber Cute!

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I'm Doing Atkins

It's the second day and yes, I miss my carbs. I wonder how long I can survive on this all-protein fiesta. Oh, and I don't know if it's just the lack of sleep but I am feeling quite zonked. Still, if it does give me that lean look, I can tough it out for the duration of the induction phase. Now, I know how it feels to actually "dream about bread."

Am I Going to Hell?

So I didn't go to mass yesterday. Does that make me a bad Catholic? I guess, it does. Granted, I did not have any crippling disease or some function I need to attend or something. Really, I'm just lazy and I was having an off day. Were I to ask God if it's okay, I'm sure the answer's going to be, "It's not, but I'm having an off day too, so I will not smite you just yet," which is actually perfect if this is what free will is about. Still, I cannot shake the feeling that one of these days, I'm going to burn for this decision. And by then, everything will be too late.

pix credit: http://alexiuss.deviantart.com/art/Final-Destination-59046680